Signs you are dating a narcissist

There are a lot of webpages out there on “spotting” or “identifying” a narcissist, with one of the top google searches being “Signs I’m Dating a Narcissist.” Most of these articles give you a  lists of signs, symptoms, and behaviors that are typical in relationships with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Much of them focusing on what someone else does as signs or symptoms you may be dating a narcissist.

Many of the blogs I’ve seen on “Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder” focus on the behavior of others including a partner, family, friend, or co-worker with a good amount of these blogs starting with the lines, “You may not know whether you’re really in a relationship with a narcissist” or “You may be in a relationship with a narcissist and not even know it...”

If you are dating a narcissist, you know it. 

In my experience, women know when they are dating someone who is narcissistic or at least have some inclination that their partner has narcissistic tendencies. Maybe not at first or within the first few dates, but it quickly becomes evident that something is not right in the relationship or there is a problem with their partner (cue obsessive googling). 

In that quick click you are bombarded with blogs, articles, stories, forums ect. focused on identifying or spotting narcissistic behavior in another person. Your attention is immediately pulled to the actions of your partner, boss, family member or friend and how these actions explain how you are feeling giving you a sense of relief because you can now confirm, “I’m not the crazy one.”

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a persistent mental health condition given to people who have trouble in their life or relationships because of their patterns and interactions with others that are exploitative, demeaning, or self-gratifying. Individuals with NPD often have an inflated sense of self importance or grandiose self esteem, excessive need for attention or admiration, entitlement or unreasonably high expectations for themselves and others, little empathy for others or unwillingness to recognize the needs of others, and the need for dominance in their intimate or personal relationships.

If you are feeling so lost, hurt, unheard, or rejected in your relationship that you googled “signs of narcissism”- girl, you know.

We live in an incredibly aware and informed society where information about mental health is now mainstream, particularly in the fascination with certain disorders like NPD. If you use any form of social media you are likely to know what narcissism is, and are probably familiar enough with it to identify typical “red flag behaviors.”

While self-help material on “Signs I’m Dating a Narcissist” are super helpful in providing information they are ultimately doing you a disservice. Content and blogs like these center their attention on the behaviors of another person, which is actually what people who are dating a narcissist need not to do. If you are dating or are in a  relationship with a narcissist many of the typical signs can be found in how we think and feel about our experiences with a narcissist.

The narcissistic partner isn't the problem, it’s your problem with the narcissist.
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The problem with dating someone with NPD is not their behavior, it’s your problem with their behavior. This is not to say that the behavior of the narcissist person is acceptable rather our problem with their behavior is a sign that we may be dating a narcissist- as one of the primary symptoms is relationship dysfunction. One of the key diagnostic components of Narcissist Personality Disorder is distress in romantic relationships that are exacerbated by symptoms of the condition. However, by the time many individuals begin to acknowledge narcissistic behavior in relationships they have been so impacted by the emotional highs and lows of the relationship that they might find it difficult to disengage from dating the narcissistic person.

While we are never at fault for the way that someone else chooses to treat us, there are a range of personal factors that may influence the likelihood of dating and more specifically staying in a relationship with a narcissist. The following are self signs that may indicate that you are in a relationship with a person who is narcissistic or has narcissistic traits:

You are struggling with Codependency  

I can not tell you how many of my female identifying clients will openly say that they “think they are dating a narcissist” and continue to stay in the relationship. In many cases women are eager to learn about their partner’s behavior as a way to solve the problems in their relationship.

Some women may be eager to learn about their partner’s narcissistic behavior as an attempt to “disarm” or “outsmart” them with the false belief that knowing this information will alleviate distressing feelings or regain a sense of control in the relationship. Many women take the information they find online and try to inform their partner of their narcissism in hopes that their partner will take ownership for their behavior and act in less hurtful ways.  At the extreme I find that women want to play the role of therapist in their relationship by attempting to show their partner better ways to communicate or help them realize how they got this way*.

Codependency is a pattern of behavior in relationships where an individual enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, or bad behavior. Codependency is the use of self-defeating behaviors that leads an individual to experience a loss of control in their in their intimate relationships to where their life begins to feel more stressful and less manageable because of their relationship with the other person. A person who is codependent is often left unfulfilled in their romantic relationships due to excessive permissive and helping behavior. People who struggle with codependency are externally focused and often attribute their pain to the behavior of others while also believing that if the other person changes they will experience less pain. 

If you are in a relationship with someone who has NPD or shows narcissistic traits, you feed into the problem by trying to understand them better. The narcissist expects everyone around them to understand and sympathize with their behavior. 

*There is a strict professional oath stating that therapy is not to be practice on people who you have close personal relationships with, and even therapists have their limitations when working with someone who has NPD

You have love, relationship, or fantasy addiction

"There's just something about them...," “They’ve showed improvement though," "They said 'it's not like that but..."

Have you ever said these things only to find that once again you were disappointed, upset, angry, or crying within the next few days (or months depending on the narcissistic cycle)? If you are in a relationship with a narcissists odds are you experience regular or reoccurring emotional highs and lows. The success of the relationship is characterized by the potential it has, and women who are in relationships with someone who is narcissistic often stay in the relationship for idealistic qualities that are actually not manifesting in the present.  Many female identifying individuals who are in a relationship with narcissist use “hope” or a false perception of their partner’s progress to rationalize their inability to leave the relationship.

Many women who have a narcissistic partner struggle with their own problematic relationship behavior including issues with relationship addiction. Women with relationship addiction often engage in intense emotional relationships where they experience alternating feelings of control (either in control or out of control) when it comes to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of themselves and their partners. Relationships where love addiction is present have patterns of conflict including arguments, make up-break up cycles, and chronic feelings of disappointment or betrayal. 

A  person with love addiction is the perfect partner for someone with narcissistic personality traits. Women with love addiction spend much time and energy, on solving the problems in their romantic relationship by focusing on the behaviors of their significant other. Many women suffering from love addiction believe that if their partner changes the problems in the relationship will be solved ultimately finding that their obsessiveness, jealousy, or resentment remains. 

Several women who continue to be in a relationship with a narcissistic partner have fallen victim to their fantasy addiction. People with fantasy addiction experience their feelings of love for their partner as an attachment to the positive qualities of their narcissistic partner. Do you ever find yourself rationalizing your partner’s behavior or making excuses for them? Your fantasy addiction may be responsible for that. Women with fantasy addiction who are in a relationship with someone who is a narcissist feeds in to the potential their partner has inadvertently reinforcing how their narcissistic partner behaves. ​

You have poor boundaries

​Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves and others in our intimate relationships. Boundaries are a reflection of our beliefs, attitudes, and values that guide our behavior in relationships. Your boundaries in a relationship indicate what is important to you and establish how you are willing to be treated. In addition, boundaries can tell us how much we respect ourselves and others. There are many forms of boundaries in relationships including physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, sexual boundaries, and time boundaries. 

Have you gave up parts of yourself to be with them? Maybe stopped doing what you love or got out of your own routine to accommodate your partners interests or lifestyle? If you are in a relationship with a narcissist you may notice that you’ve stopped seeing your friends and spend most of your time doing activities with just you and your partner, a large part of your relationship is made up of being alone with them. Women with poor personal boundaries often put their narcissistic partner before their own self-care and stop seeking out their own needs. For example, a female identifying person with poor personal boundaries will seek ways to avoid their partner’s negative behavior rather than setting a boundary for themselves.  In a sense, women with poor boundaries expect others to determine how they should be treated or expect people to treat them a certain way. Many women with poor boundaries blame others and make their partners behavior a determining marker of their happiness or sense of security in the relationship.

Several women in relationships with a narcissistic partner will find themselves acting in ways or doing things they are not proud of including yelling at their partner, secretly checking their partner’s phone, or even going through feelings of hysteria that lead to uncontrollable crying or sleepless night. Female identifying people who allow themselves to repeatedly engage in behaviors they are not proud of often have poor boundaries as they are not capable of carrying out the limits they set for themselves. If you are in a relationship with someone who is a narcissist their narcissistic behavior thrives on the poor or weak boundaries of others. 

Many women who are in a relationship with a narcissist enter the relationship hopeful, with good intentions and quickly find themselves questioning why they are in the relationship and how they got there. When women begin to realize the presence of narcissistic behavior in their relationship they become eager to get back to the way the relationship use to be and more often than not have the tendency of many women is to find ways to help their partner instead of looking out for themselves.  Unfortunately women who are in a relationship with a narcissist do not realize that their desire to figure out what is going on contributes to negative patterns and cycles of abuse in the relationship- the narcissists strives to be the center of attention in the relationship, and information seeking plays into that. While you are not responsible for the way your narcissistic partner treats you or how they choose to behave, you are responsible for looking out for your best interest and protecting yourself.

If you or someone you know is struggling in their intimate relationships and would like more help with dating and relationships, please visit www.TherapywithRaquel.com. Raquel Buchanan is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Palm Springs, Ca.  She specializes in topics related to domestic violence and childhood trauma.