What your therapist says...

I’ve worked with several individuals, families, and children over the years hearing countless stories of trauma and abuse. In the 10 years I've practiced therapy, no disclosure of victimization has prompted such intense feelings as the anger I felt in this moment:

I work with hyperactive and impulsive children, some with significant behavioral problems. I’ve been subject to scratching, biting, kicking, hitting, you name it. I’m more or less use to aggressive or violent behavior in children and have grown to understand why they do what they do. However, one incident stands out above the rest. 

During play therapy, I confronted an older child (8–11 yrs old) with a challenging question that required emotional vulnerability in order to answer. The child-client immediately disengaged in our shared activity, got up quickly, and began walking away as if to retrieve an item on a nearby shelf.  Within three steps, the clients stops mid-action, turns around while swinging their arm with a closed fist, and hits me directly in the face. 

Queue instant rage.

I shot up from my seat,  now standing straight up, and with our significant height difference I was then hovering over the child. The child-client looked up to see me peering down at them and it was in that moment that we both knew I was showing anger in the session. 

Within seconds, I stepped back, sat down, placing both of my feet on the floor with my hands in my lap, and took a few deep breaths.  Filled with shock and disbelief, I sat silent in my chair for the remainder of the session, actively regulating myself and analyzing the best way to therapeutically respond to the situation. In the decade that I had worked as a therapist I had never been hit like that by anyone and did not expect such vindictive behavior from a child. 

Interestingly, during this time, the child who had initially evaded to hide was now sliding a book under the door prompting me to read a specific page in the book. The child-client had selected a book off the shelf on family violence where it was opened to a chapter titled "Using Violence to Push People Away." 

This is where a therapist’s own self-regulation skills come into play and the benefits of using co-regulation becomes more apparent. Co-regulation is necessary in the therapeutic relationship and the need for it becomes more evident when working with children. Co-regulation is a collaborative approach that fosters self-regulation in that it uses role-modeling as a supportive intervention to assist in internalizing the skills necessary to mange distress and emotions.    I am certain that how I chose to respond to my anger in that moment influenced my client’s ability to self-reflect and take accountability for their behavior. 

As therapists we act as our client’s emotional containers, allowing them to feel a broad range of emotions in a safe environment through encouraging the use of healthy life and relationship skills. This even means that a therapist’s ability to react and responding to their own triggers and intense feelings like anger has a direct impact on the client’s ability to thrive. 

If you or someone you love is struggling with feelings of anger and would benefit from working with a therapist, please visit www.TherapywithRaquel.com for more information. 

Raquel Buchanan is a licensed therapist in California offering virtual and in person services for anger management and stress reduction.